Wake the girl who's blind with fear

Studies been a bitch lately with more and more notes and details to drill into, be gone with the endlessnessof minute refinements and get to the concluding. The stress is like a sickening jingle from a TV advertisement that's been so overplayed it's sicccckening. Yet, you can't say you hate it because there's still some inkling good in it. *sighs*

I'm getting mouldy stuck at home all the time accompanying my books. And the only oher time I do get to go out is for my violin lessons, yet again, under a roof, in another shaded spot. I'm not complaining but like a croc, I too need to bask in the sunshine and get some foc Vitamin D. :/

My mind's been drifting into places it shoudn't even with the massive workload I've got. When I don't sleep, I can't focus. When I sleep, I feel restless because my dreams take me to endless scenes that remind me of things I don't want to remember. Eitherways, nothing seems significant anymore. It seems like the only thing in hand is redemption, to right my wrong, to earn my grace from where I've fallen. Other than that it seems every other thing I do is insignificant, wasted, into garbage material.

Fear, like any other emotions is sometimes irrational, even more so than the other feelings I experienced. It hits you square in the face when you least expect it, and crazy convolutions attack your heart like as if someone stuck a hand in your chest and tried to squeeze the daylights out of your insides. It's annoying, of course, because fear is only an emotion and if your mind's strong enough, you could just ditch it. Still, we're made of flesh and blood- we can't always control how we want/would like/ need to feel.

So what does my fear mean to you anyway? If I tell you, are you gonna laugh at my childish insecurities? Are you gonna harp on it and threaten to blackmail my trust? Or are you gonna hold my secrets in the palm of your hand,tuck them away in secret places nobody knows, shield me in time before I hurt myself? What does it mean to you, really?


So psst, come close, I want to tell you,





everything.

*Here's some pictures to keep you in the loop of what I've been up to:

Trip to Phuket_ time: 9.00 am_location: hotel_after Pete's extremely early morning hike z_z
Have_you_ever_wondered_about_life_at_sea.... fishin' for mermen?!?! xP
Meghan took this as an expression of chilvary while the guys look on with a little more than resignation as they wait while I stared/glared/admired/twist/turn/twirl in front of the long-mirror with the spoilt-choices of bagggs!

Once again, i'm chucked into a shoppers' trolley_
Back to Sg for shoot_

Who says I've lost it, I found it on the underside of my case. :P

If we really want to live, we'd better start at once to try

Long break from blogging! Been caught up with school books and papers and streams of scheduled violin practises and gosh am I starting to feel nauseous just thinking of all the work. Why am I doing this to myself you might ask? :Because it's worth it! The thought of converting my blog into a picture blog seems contradictory to me since I can always do that on Fb and leaving a one-lined caption looks pathetic when it can be done on Twitter and looks bad on the sincerity I have in maintaining my blog and to those who reads them.

As I was going to say, I went on a diving mission in the waters of Phuket with my coach and confidante, Peter and 7 others that followed up with mountain biking, water rafting and an arduous hike up rocky hills which I must say, I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR ALL THAT! What's supposedly a relaxing holiday turned into some sort of military training which left me covered head to toe in a combination of mud, sludge and sweat by th time we return to our lodges.

Alright, enough of the complains because as always, being Peter, he chose to teach in the most unconventional of classrooms. I learned what is obvious to a child that life is simply a collection o little lives, each lived one day at a time. That a day spent in finding beauty in flowers and poetry and sunsets and summer seabreeze cannot be bettered by a day of city-life retail therapy.

But most of all, I learned that happiness is the consequences of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, and sometimes, in desperate measures, Insist upon it. That one has to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of our own blessings and once we achieved a state of happiness, we must never becom lax abou maintainig it.