If they ask, I'd lie ;)

Happy Chinese New Year!!!!!
Sifting through past pictures, as an old practise, for a new collage. How is it that whenever I come across yours, gave you the audacity to trigger some buttom inside of me once again? Oh, that awful feeling you get when you realise all the hardwork you thought you knew as 'letting go' turns out to be much more like mere 'stalling' up of emotions till a moment like this of accidental browsing of pictures of a time when there was me and you.

Or has it always been me? Me and my blind optimism to blame? Of a mess of a fantasizer with the nerve to adore you? How I'd like pretty much to know it was real, of you telling me it was true.

Maybe someday I'll be confessing my foolishness for never letting somebody else in. Somebody else that can be every way fitting and more.

Perhaps you'll never know this is for you, OF you. Many can guess, many would try, but they might end up stunned, say why: its this authentic Asian boy which many foils and perhaps best, a thousand times.
I'll say, I love the way you angle yourself towards me. Gaze with those shadowed eyes. Listened when I've got something to say.

Presently, I tell everyone we are through. That I've not a clue of much about you. Should have known better then to let myself wonder too far,knowing too well that its end is not far from the beginning itself. Here I am hoping you would some day make a re-entrance into my life and you would say [_____________] what I'd like to hear.

As much as I dislike being left hanging, however for my own good, perhaps you should stay away. Given MORE MORe More time, the feelings might just deplete into nothingness, this time, for real. Then again, have I ever proclaimed of being able of letting go of my unwanted things before?

Maybe one day- not too late a day, I'll find that soloing is also great.

Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take things for granted.

I give myself a good cry if I needed it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life.

The culture doesn't really encourage you to think about such things until you're about to die. We're so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, - we're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? And what if today is as good as it gets? What exactly am I suppose to do with myself? You need someone to probe you in that direction. It won't just happen automatically. but yes - we all need teachers in our life.

Detachment doesn't mean you dont let the experience penetrate you. Detachment doesn't mean I've gone cruel. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. And that's how you are able to leave it, leave the thing that cuts you.

I believe we all yearn in some ways to return to those fireflies catching days when everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you - unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn't get enough. And that we all hope to be closer to our family in some ways, inheriting traits we desire but also, avoid being in some ways.

When I took the time, when I can surprise myself with something I never thought I can do -- It's as close as to healthy as I ever feel.

So what if you had one day perfectly healthy? I'd get up early morning, go on a long run, have a lovely breakfast of smoked ham, eggs, pastries and tea, go for a swim, then have bubz come over for a nice lunch. I'd have them come one or two at a time so we could talk about their families, their purposes. Then I'd like to go for a walk, in a garden with some trees and paths with endless blooms, watch their colors, watch the birds, take in the nature that I haven't seen in so long now. At dusk, I would play a long tune serenading the sun: thank you & goodbye for a sunny day. In the evening, we'd all go together to a restaurant with some great pasta, maybe some duck - I love duck - and then we'd dance the rest of the night. I'd dance bare foot in a city made entirely of white-washed stone, in an ancient winery, bottom's up, burning like fire, until I was exhausted. And then I'd go home, welcomed by a touch covered with feathers, a lick so precious, so tender, so Real. Then I'd gaze out into the abyss while the city below keep on, keeping on, like a ring of fire. Falling deeply in sleep. - this is the life I'm seeking for exactly.

I just wish there ain't a thing as too late in life.