For most of my life, I've been living in a daze. For most of the time I'm living in a daze, I do because I choose to. Being sober can be such a torture sometimes because it forces you to confront the truth.
The truth that we're not living in a perfect world with rainbows and unicorns; not that my kinda perfect world would comprise anything remotely close to those. It forces you to see what you don't want to see, acknowledge what you don't want to know, and understand what you can't bear to comprehend. It makes you alive, yet kills you inside all at the same time. So living in a daze and glossing over everything you can just because you can isn't really all that bad sometimes.
The hot summery weather has ceased by now, taken over by the force of the cold and damp of the wind and the rain. That can mean only one thing, Christmas is along its way. I've always enjoyed the visioned warmth that Christmas lights brings, and this year has been no different.
I guess there's something about orange-y lights that beckons comfort to the soul,blurs things out and let you be.. you guessed it... in a daze, as oppose to those of bright white LEDs.
I've always thought the warm orange-y lights to be more accepting, letting things be semi sheer, not blantant and garish as those of the LEDs.
I like doing cliche stuff. Or rather, stuff that people deems to be cliche but aren't, because no one really stops and spend time to do random awkward seemingly retarded shit these days. I would love to sit on the ledge along an expressway and count the number of blue cars that go by. Red's far too easy to spot and blue's a greater challenge 'cause sometimes you can't tell if a car is a really dark ass shade of navy blue or just black but looks sorta blue under the sunlight. Also, cabs can't be counted so you've gotta sit there and count till say a hundred. The other person should count the yellow cars and the first person to reach a hundred gets a free dinner from the other. Yeah, I really want to do weird/awkward shit like that. Alternatively, I like to plug into some tunes that never disappoint no matter the mood/weather (like Muse or Sixpence none the Richer) and just... stone the hours away people watching, spacing out, thinking about everything but nothing concrete and just, wasting time. I want to squat under a HDB block on the pavement where there's a trail of ants sneaking their way to and fro the coffeeshop nearby so I can just feed them my biscuit and drop drips of coke for them to sip. I don't know. I don't know why I'm so awkward or weird or retarded or whatever you think I am I really don't but these are just a few of the many weird ass shit I secretly want to do but have never done (except the feeding the ants bit, I've done that before) because it's just too, stupid.
I want to do stupid things and be stupid and say stupid stuff and roll around stupidly or flip into a pool stupidly or go bowling looking like some stupid noob and just be a stupid person because it's so much easier being stupid. All the thinking and making logical, sensible choices is bullshit. I call it now. I've given up too many things that could have turned into moments so gold because of all these social pressures I've learnt to have to appease. I've given up too many people, too much of what I truly feel for, all because of the fear and worry of what might follow because there're so many considerations to take into account. Now I see all these things I let slip by me through the years plant themselves just out of my reach but close enough for me to see them flower into gorgeous could-have-been-me(s) and I feel so, so, stupid.
Well, that's all I've ever been anyway. Perhaps that's all I'll ever be.